Photo from: edequity.org
We’re women. We tend to talk. A lot. The trouble is, we don’t always use our words wisely, and that can really affect our attitudes, our perception, and our relationships.
Be warned. The way you talk about your guy will affect how you feel about him, how your friends think of him, and the sort of relationship advice you get –not to mention how he feels about you!
Some do’s and don’ts of talking guy with your girlfriends:
DON’T: Trash Talk your love
When you trash talk, you act competitively. You set up sides and you do what you can to tarnish his. Whether you exaggerate or bring up issues long resolved, trash talk is usually used to make yourself feel superior by putting down your guy.
Who does that? We all do. Talk to someone while they’re still heated after an argument. Chances are you won’t hear both sides at all and that you’ll receive an inflated version of what happened. Trash talk, at heart, is rooted in pride.
DO: Vent Realistically
Refusing to trash talk your beau doesn’t mean you can’t ever say anything “negative” concerning him. Making your love sound like the best thing since sliced bread 100% of the time conveys a few (wrong) ideas to yourself and your friends, like that:
- You can’t accept reality
- You’re trying to cover up deeper issues
- You are delusional
- You think all good relationships are perfect
- You have no relational struggles and thus no relatability
So….vent. It’s okay to call a friend when you’re cooling off from a big argument or trying to work something out that been gnawing away at your marriage. Be fair. Respectfully convey or refer to his position on the matter. Don’t tear his character down as you vent about things, circumstances, and actions.
DON’T: Air the Things He Holds Dear
Tempting at a times, but not a good idea! You may think it’s cute that he sings Taylor Swift in the shower, but he may feel that it’s a betrayal of confidence for you to share with others what he does when he is comfortable in his own home.
On more serious issues, like those related to his health or what’s going on between him and the Lord, ask him if he minds you sharing with friends. He might not. Or he might have some perimeters, like asking you to be vague and only sharing if you find it necessary.
DO: Share Your Own Concerns
Just as you need to respect his privacy, he must respect your need for safe places to talk, listen, and receive advice and fellowship. Scripture is clear that we’re to share one another’s burdens, seek counsel, and develop deep, Godly relationships. That means talking about real struggles.
When you do talk about those personal matters, be tactful and don’t speculate. Focus on how you feel and what you’re concerned about instead of speculating about how he feels or how that trauma from his childhood that he shared in secret may be affecting the current situation. You can also share a lot with loving friends without all of the details.
DON’T: Compare Constantly
As if this isn’t an issue for many of us anyway, comparison when talking guys is really easy –but a bad idea. No matter how close you are to your friends, you never know who’s wrestling inside with what regarding their beau, relationship, or lack thereof. Plus, comparisons can fuel jealousy, unrealistic expectations, competition, and a focus on self.
DO: Give an Honest Testimony
“Is that normal?” she asks about her boyfriend’s behavior. What’s your first response? “Well, my guy…”
That’s not wrong. But make it clear that you’re speaking from your own limited experience and be honest. Maybe your hubby, fiancé, or boyfriend doesn’t have that habit, but he has another. Maybe she doesn’t need to know what it is…but here’s what she does need to know: Scripture. Go there together concerning your guys when you have concerns and testify honestly to the truth of it.
DON’T: Include Him in Everything
Truth: your friends don’t love you for your stories about Matt, Mark, or whoever. They don’t get together to hear about his life as if it supersedes or replaces yours. Even if you don’t feel that way, watch that you don’t talk as if that’s the case. For many of us, it can be uncomfortable to just sit and talk about ourselves –but talking about our guys is easy! Still not an excuse. Your friends want time with you.
DO: Give Him His Right Place
Second Truth: your guy is a big part of your life. If you’re talking about you, you’re going to end up talking about him too. That’s natural. We talk about our priorities, whether we mean to or not.
Just be sure to give him his right place in your discussions with friends. Share stories he’s a part of or his role and God’s amazing use of him in your struggles, plans, and life. Avoid sharing all the details of what he is up to, what he thinks about certain issues, or what all you’re occupied with doing for him. Your life is Christ-centered, keep your husband in his right place!