5 Uncomfortable Questions You Should Discuss in Pre-Marital Counseling

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As you prepare for marriage, there are some topics that remain awkward. A lot of people assume that the uncomfortable subjects will just sort of “work out” when marriage begins.

In Pre-Marital counseling, couples get to sit and address subjects that, while maybe a little uncomfortable, are really important to agree on before binding together for life.

Check out these 5 common but awkward questions that you really need to address before you say “I do.”

1. What do you expect out of your physical relationship?

Imagine if, a few days into your honeymoon, you have yet to enjoy sex? Or, two years into your marriage, you’re still embarrassed by the word and feel like you’re doing something wrong. What if you feel like you never have privacy and you desire it?

Feelings like these tend to arise –and go sorely unaddressed- when couples don’t know how to talk about their physical relationship and don’t know what’s normal. Talking about sex in Pre-Marital counseling can help lay the ground work for a healthier sex life once you’re married. You’ll learn more about what to expect and about each other’s desires. Many counselors will also offer some wisdom about developing your sexual relationship lovingly.

2. What do you struggle with concerning each other’s families?

Maybe you know he thinks your family is a little overwhelming. But do you know how that will affect your marriage? Have you talked about ways to make him feel more comfortable? “He’ll have to just get used to it” isn’t a good answer.

In marriage, the two of you are creating your own family. You’ll be bringing your own expectations and ideas from your families into your marriage, though. At the same time, you’ll be joining each other’s families. Discussing concerns together with a counselor will help you both to respectfully get on the same page as you unite for life.

3. What is your plan for leaving and cleaving?

As you form your own family and identity as a couple, you’ll be following God’s plan for “leaving and cleaving.” It may be harder than you think. Boundaries take time and commitment to develop, and when you set them they also take time and commitment to create intentionally.

The process of making each other your first priority after the Lord can be emotionally tasking, frightening, and difficult. Moving away, adjusting to life together…that can all be rough. Don’t shy away or hurry through counseling concerning leaving and cleaving. You’ll be glad you laid the ground work ahead of time!

4. What do you fight about now and what do you think you’ll fight about when you’re married?

So sitting down with a third party and talking about your fights seems a little melodramatic, right? Your counselor knows, as the two of you need to, that everyone fights. Arguing is healthy and necessary for the building up of your marriage.

Take the time to talk about your fights when you’re not in the midst of them. You can develop strategies to ensure that you fight fair and lay ground rules so that arguments are for the sake of your marriage and not against it. A third party can help give you seasoned advice and point out patterns that he or she notices before they become marital issues.

5. How do you build each other up in the Lord?

Entering into marriage doesn’t excuse you from glorifying, obeying, and loving the Lord first and foremost. Paul points out that marriage can easily distract from your faith though –“But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided…I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” -1 Corinthians 7:33-35

There is a right away to live undivided in devotion to the Lord, and it’s to live unified in Him. Figure out in marriage counseling before you’re bound for life (or just facing the trials of marriage head-on) how you can build each other up in the Lord and how you might need to work to keep from distracting each other from the One who matters most (to you, you, and your marriage!)

4 Biblical Strategies for Honoring Your In Laws

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You’re probably familiar with Exodus 20:12 –“honor your father and mother”. While fumbling over “Nan-uh, Mrs., uh, Mom?” it isn’t always obvious that this command applies to your relationship with your in laws too.

According to the current stereotype, in laws are common household enemies. There’s even the popular mantra “you don’t just marry him or her, you marry his or her family too!”

The Bible doesn’t gloss over this sort of relationship. In laws have been around from the beginning, and so has the awkwardness, difficulty, and blessing that comes with merging families. Biblical characters like Jacob and Ruth sought to honor their in laws, though difficulties abounded.

Jacob’s father in law, for example, tricked him into marrying the wrong girl and forced him into 20 years of manual labor. Ruth’s mother in law Naomi spent time in mourning telling everyone to call her “bitter”.

Though their relationships with their in laws were challenging, the way that our Biblical predecessors chose to relate to their in-laws sets an example for us.

1. Jacob and Laban: Respectfully Leaving and Cleaving

                When you get married, you hear the phrase “leave and cleave” a lot. You might even cite it when your spouse calls Mom for the recipe that you aren’t making “quite right.”

This Biblical command defines marriage not only for the two who have become one flesh, but also for the parents. In laws should respectfully give you and your spouse room to become knit together and to form your own family. Some in laws have a harder time with that than others, and not just during your early years of marriage.

Laban, for example, loved his daughters Leah and Rachel –but he definitely had a hard time letting go. Jacob sought the wisdom of the Lord in the matter. When Laban confronted Jacob about running away as a family, Jacob pointed to God.

Respectfully, Jacob stood on the way of the Lord and relied on God to rebuke Laban in his unrighteous anger and battle for control. Choosing to respect Laban while also honoring God’s intentions for marriage, Jacob formed a covenant with Laban before the Lord that established his desire to have peaceful relationships and to do right by his wives through the leaving and cleaving process (Genesis 31).

2. Moses and Jethro: Humbly Accepting Wisdom and Counsel

                People naturally enter marriage with pre-conceived notions of how life and relationships are done –and often each spouse is convinced that theirs and their parents’ way is the right way.

                It takes humility to set aside the notions that you’ve developed in order to accept the counsel of others, especially when you feel like you’re doing really well on your own. Listening to the counsel and wisdom of your in-laws when their way is so different?  That can be even harder.

                Yet that is exactly what Moses did. While leading the freed Israelites through the wilderness, Moses was visited by his father in law, Jethro. While sharing with Jethro about God’s victory and praising the Lord with him, Jethro gave Jacob some unsolicited advice.

                You can probably identify with that. Most of us can. What’s spectacular about Moses’ and Jethro’s exchange in Exodus 18 is that Moses actually listened. Jethro’s advice came from a place of wisdom, love, and humility before God. Recognizing his father in law’s Godly words, Moses responded in wisdom and humility as well.

3. Ruth and Naomi: Being Compassionately Present

                Certainly the best known in-law in the Bible, Naomi is relatable. Like so many, she suffered loss in her life and became openly bitter about it. Outspoken about her grief and her hopeless situation, Naomi may not have been the most pleasant mother in law.

Imagine Ruth’s position as a young widow trying to care for a depressed in law while herself suffering. Ruth wasn’t in a familiar situation, she didn’t know anyone but Naomi. Yet her response to the trials of the family she married into was one of absolute compassion and commitment.

Ruth understood what it means to be present. Her famous words of “where you, if you…I’ll go, I will” evidence her devotion to actively participating in her mother in law’s life. She took on Naomi’s burdens as her own, just as she once took Naomi’s son as her own husband.

What’s more, Ruth wasn’t just committed to being present through Naomi’s trials like a “bad weather” friend. She rejoiced in sharing blessings with Naomi. We know about Naomi’s joyful reaction to holding her grandson –just imagine Ruth’s expression as she witnessed Naomi’s delight.

4. Peter and His Mother in Law: Entrusting In-Laws to the Lord

                Mark 1:30 tells us that Simon (Peter) had a mother in law. When she got sick, Peter told Jesus and Jesus healed her. It’s a simple story, but it’s lovely. Peter entrusted his mother in law to the care of the Lord.

                The Hebrew word for honor in Exodus 20:12 is “kabad,” which means “weighty, heavy, burdensome” concerning importance. In Greek it is “timaó,” – “to assign value.” These words describe honor as valuing someone as important.

                For Peter, honoring his mother in law meant valuing her and her burdens enough to turn her over to the Lord for healing. You can do the same thing for your in laws in prayer, honoring their person by taking them on as people you love enough to lift up to the Lord, even if it has to be from afar.

In Conclusion….

                Not every controlling father in law will be rebuked by God like Laban was, and not every in law will have the wisdom and good advice of Jethro. Some mother in laws may, like Naomi, be bitter –and not want you involved or around.

                You can honor your in-laws anyway. Be respectful in doing what is right, like Jacob. Choose humility and listen to sound advice like Moses, while measuring it against the Scriptures like the Bereans (Acts 17:11). Remain compassionate in all circumstances like Ruth. And, like Peter, entrust your in-laws to the Lord.